Stuff White People ACTUALLY Like

OH MY GOD! I was studying the hilarious foibles of white people the other day, trying to figure out why white people are so f*%$%ng in love with being composed of atoms, when I saw the most obnoxious thing. Tell me this doesn’t sound like something white people SO would do. This one large white guy, a total Brian Eno, lay down and entered a dormant phase. At like, 11 at night. He just dropped down in his bed, and got quiet, and stopped being awake and alert. Nice going, Einstein.

Apparently white people prefer their states of rest to be naturally occuring, rather than induced artificially by Jungle Mashups. I was recently at a concert of slow boring rock en roll music by teenagers with haircuts, and I followed some of the adolescent white pupae to their slut party afterwards, and discovered that after the knee scraping blowjob sessions, the girls fell into various phases of restorative slumber. LIke, this one girl, a total Brenda from 90210 type, dropped off first into Non-rapid Eye movement sleep. Totally predictable, no? But get this, after passing through increasing and decreasing phases of NREM sleep, N1-2-3-2, she did the most predictable white person blunder of all. Yes, you guessed it: REM sleep. White people really love having their eyes rapidly moving back and forth. This gives white people the chance to do one of their favourite past times: dreaming. When a white person has visions of a realistic nature during REM sleep, they usually dont’ even remember it when they wake up.

It’s not even like they keep a particular length of sleep throughout their lives either. They actually sleep way more as kids. What the eff guys, way to b 2 reel. I guess its true what they say, a white person’s sleep cycle is affected by their circadian rythms and the concentration of adenosine and melatonin in their brains and is mitigated by their natural chronotype. What’s most frustrating to observe is that sleep isnt’ even catabolic. More like catatonic, am i right ladeez? Sometimes I sympathize with white people though, and any observer has to respect that wound-healing is enhanced by this restful state. More power to you, white people, for evolving the ability to focus the body’s energies on closing wounds and fighting infection. No, seriously, i’m slowly clapping right now. Represent, in a way.

Hi guys. White people are just going nuts in the last while over being born without any knowledge of society’s norms and expectations of their behaviour. The white person, in the wild, may contain some inherent biological imperative to social structure, but gimme a break! In modern society, they first must learn to speak and then enter some educational institution or other to learn both the cultural inheritance of their forebears, as well as the nature and diversity of the other social institutions. THis is where they learn “The Story of the Cave”, in Plato’s Republic. Nice job, Brad, did you spike the ball right after that one?

One thing white people seem to find most useful about this system is that by gradually increasing the complexity of the information, they are able to continually challenge their young to expand their abilities while providing an efficient system for them to acquire those abilities. That’s probably where they learn to develop respect for Vampire novels and stuff. Ever notice how when Vampire novels come out, people are able to know how to acquire them by exchanging legal tender, and then understand the contents, which are encoded in a textual version of a language? Not only is this due to language acquisition, but aids in socialization. White people seem to really like using multiple sources for socialization. I saw someone drinking a latte at a trendy coffee shop who was socialized by his peer group, his family, his religious institution, and mass media. What a creep.

One thing white people hate though is when you mistake their fetish for socialization for enculturation. Don’t even bother! They’ll just argue with you using as many obscure 80s reference as they possibly can, generally obtained from watching cartoons which refer to these things in a way that you don’t need to understand the reference, just that its essentially funny. They LOVE learning things from sources.

You just know that white people LOVE generating Adenosine-5′-triphosphate (ATP) in their mitochondria.  Naturally, white people, especially hipsters, have a tendency to combine adenosine diphosphate and adenosine monophosphate to produce this stuff.  Curiously enough, white people LOVE containing the organelle mitochondria in their cytoplasm, mainly because they perceive them as more efficient generators of the energy cells need than the cells themselves are.  Perhaps its because billions of years ago, the independant mitochondria, a lifeform in its own right originally, was absorbed into the cell, like an infection, and then provided such abundance of beneficial ATP that the cell fortunately began reproducing the mitochondria inside itself.

Sound like white people are lucky as hell.   Typically, white people like to go out to university parties and get really loaded, while they produce dozens of particles of ATP by redox reactions using simple and complex sugars.  Did somebody say glycolysis?  Recenetly, its become fashionable for ironic hipsters to generate more ATP from fatty acids by beta-oxidation.  This strange tribal behaviour connotes their increased and uncanny awareness of irony.  Sarcastic energy production at a cellular level is an increasing phenomenon among frat boys and goths and fans of vampire books, tv shows about angels touching things, and people who think werewolves are misunderstood and romantic figures.  Werewolves are TOTAL eukaryotes, bro.